


kyloren.jabbajournal.com

by QueenVixen



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Autism Spectrum, BDSM, Bullying, Consensual Sex, Diary/Journal, F/M, Face Slapping, Gen, Hotel Sex, M/M, Numerous minor characters - Freeform, Other, Unreliable Narrator, Vaginal Sex, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:22:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28130850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenVixen/pseuds/QueenVixen
Summary: Companion piece to"Are You Satisfied?"This is the journal of Ben Solo, as written over many years.  It runs in reverse chronological order - the most recent entry is on the top. There are a number of content warnings:* Autism Spectrum Disorder thought processing (not always reliable)* Bullying of a young child* Mishandling of fireworks (One minor character sustains burns)* Cancer* Dysfunctional Families* Attempts at outing* Deception* Face Slapping (both explicit and implied)* Massive Rationalisation* Ablism* Victim Blaming* Cluelessness* Mentions of Suicide, and mistaking angsting for suicidal thoughts.* Character Death (Luke dies offscreen)
Relationships: Armitage Hux/Rose Tico, Leia Organa/Han Solo, Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 16
Kudos: 28





	kyloren.jabbajournal.com

**Author's Note:**

> Please note that nearly all the examples of things resulting from behaviour on the Autism Spectrum listed either happened to the author, or people close to her who are also on the Spectrum. If you're curious about any of them, feel free to contact the author through the comments. 
> 
> The link in May 2013 goes to a rather good analogy of what happened when someone asked for consideration of her autism by someone she considered a friend. Do please leave her a note if you liked it.

_Entries marked with an asterisk are Private Entries._

**Tuesday June 4 2019 ***

I'm not surprised that Rey hates me now. I've realised that what I did to her was as bad as what Riley did to me, what Ahsoka did, what Toby and Val did.

I still have no idea how she worked it out. When she got up from the table, she was smiling. Sadly, but still smiling. She looked as if she'd been waiting for me, wanting me …

And then suddenly she slapped me.

And screamed at me.

And called me Kylo.

I don't think any of the others could have told her. If they had, she wouldn't have looked at me the way she did when I walked in. No, she must have suddenly worked it out. Whether it was my hair (she touched my hair) or she made the connection with my height and size, or … I really don't know.

I've hurt her so badly. She never would have done that if I hadn't been so thoughtless.

I have to go. Leave her. She won't want me near her any more after this. I deleted Kylo's email address. Then I went to the office, cleaned all my stuff out (there wasn't that much), put all my project files in the shared drive, then wiped my account from the work system. I took the train to the Estate to tell Mom. I needed the time to think. The train ride helped a lot, and I took a notepad and pen to write things down too, because I get confused easily if I'm trying to explain something and then the other people interrupt.

As far as Mom knows, I've had an offer I've been thinking about for a while, and because the deadline was approaching, I had to take it up straight away. And I'm becoming a pirate.

It's sort of true.

Mom blew up. Berated me for leaving her in the lurch. I told her she had other perfectly capable people she could move into the job. Then I left her thinking for a bit, while I went to talk to Chewie.

I explained that I'd been seeing Rey, but she didn't know it was me – I pretended we were cosplayers in Galaxy Wars and acting things out, so she never saw my face. He told me he didn't need to know the details, but he's … not angry at me for doing it. Disappointed. That hurts more than anything else he could have said. He told me that I should have been honest with her as soon as I realised who she was under the mask.

He's right, of course. But I couldn't do it. I had something with her as Kira. And I didn't want to give it up. Not as long as it was still there. It wasn't until there was the distinct possibility of something with Rey that I wanted to stop with Kira. And I was terrified that if I told Rey the truth, I couldn't have either relationship. Of course, that's exactly what has happened, and I have no-one to blame but me.

But she deserved better than me. I wanted to give her everything – the pleasure she sought, the caring she wanted, the love that I'm sure was happening. I don't think I was imagining it.

If she hadn't ended things on Friday night, I would have the next time. Because what's important is her happiness, her life, her heart. For me to be happy, Rey needs to be happy.

I changed the password to this account, and put the details in the box I asked him to take to Rey when he was next in the city. I know Chewie. He'll head down as soon as he can. He doesn't know what's in the box, or what exactly Rey and I had, but he respects her.

They're for her. The things in the box. They're hers, because I only ever bought them for her. I'd never used the clamps on anyone else before (they seem rather personal) and the cuffs I had custom made. They're things she enjoyed, and it's better if they go to someone who would use them. I want her to know that they're from my heart. Flowers and chocolate would be too impersonal, and fucking Rochester isn't coming up with the goods again.

Because I don't think I could be with anyone else. Any time I had someone in front of me, on their knees, I'd think of Rey. Every time I kissed someone, I'd wish I was kissing Rey. It wouldn't be fair on anyone else to have that between us.

Mom came to ask me if I thought Rey would be a good choice for the job. I told her yes – Rey needs some training and support, but she'd be brilliant. Pretty sure Mom had her picked already, but that has to be enough to seal the choice. And Rey would. Be brilliant, that is.

Rey messaged me on Sunday afternoon, while I was on my way back to Chandrilla. She apologised for slapping me.

I think I deserved it. She'd told me how much she didn't like pain, how she'd been beaten by one of her foster parents. For her to be driven that far … Besides, it wasn't the slap that hurt.

It was the look of complete betrayal in her eyes.

The sight of everything I ever wanted, ever cared for, disappearing into a dark, endless void.

I've been playing ["Accidentally like a Martyr"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yun0-TIjn4k) over and over. It hurts like I do.

I gave her the information to read all of this. I don't know if she's already read the journal, or if she doesn't want to. But I want her to know that I love her, more than anything else in this world. That I didn't know how to tell her at the beginning, when she first walked in, that it was me. And that as things went on, it was harder and harder to tell her until the Ben side and the Kylo were so intertwined that I couldn't separate them to let her just know Ben. And that if only I'd had the confidence to realise that her glances at me, her conversation starters and her friendly overtures were not just things she felt she had to do, but things she wanted to do …

I was wrong. There is one Rochester that I think comes close to doing her justice.

My light thou art - without thy glorious sight  
My eyes are darken’d with eternal night.  
My Love, thou art my way, my life, my light.

This will be the last message I leave on this journal. I have one more important job to do, and then she never needs to hear from me again. She'll know when I've done it. That will have to do.

I'm sorry, Rey. Not that you found me out, but that I hurt you so very much. I never wanted to. I wanted to give you everything. You are too precious, too beautiful, too wonderful to treat that way.

I wish I could be who you wanted. Kylo. Ben. I'm both, but that wasn't enough.  
  
---  
  
**_Saturday June 1 2019 *_**

I fucked up.  
  
**_Saturday June 1 2019 *_**

It's over between Kylo and Kira.

She wants more than Kylo is willing to give. And I could hear how much pain she was in. (Someone got engaged – Hux and Rose?) She wants a serious relationship.

It can only be with me. Surely.

Or at least I think so.

95% certain.

But I wanted her to remember Kylo with pleasure, and care … and I could see she wanted to be cared for. To be held. To be kissed. To be loved.

So I offered her a chance to _make love_ with Kylo, and she accepted. I put on my music – if her heart was breaking the music would help her through it. And she was crying, sobbing until her blindfold was sodden. She took me and she held me and we kissed, and she took command at one point and drove me wild, then I returned the favour.

And then we made the most delicious, wonderful, magical, passionate love ever. With both of us crying with the intensity of it.

I think she was crying for the end of the relationship.

I was crying because I had never had anyone give me something so beautiful, so pure and glorious in my life. She makes love with the passion and intensity she brings to the rest of her life, with her full heart and her soul and all of her. It's as if we were the only two who had ever found that amazing, intense pleasure that was more than just the physical. It touched me in ways I never thought possible.

I would do anything for her.

I wanted to take the blindfold off. First, at the beginning, when she said she had to finish things, and then at the end when I could feel her loss and her empty heart. But I couldn't. Because I've woven this persona, this creation, so deeply that to try and meld it with _Ben_ would …

Would something. I don't know. But I know she will be so angry if she ever found out.

I packed my bag and left her without asking the question. Because Kylo didn't, couldn't and wouldn't satisfy her. Not now.

Now it's time for Ben to do it.  
  
**_Friday May 31 2019 *_**

She just wants to talk.

She's found out.

Or something.

Oh god.  
  
**_Monday May 27 2019 *_**

She likes me telling her exactly what I want her to do.

I can live with that.  
  
**_Monday May 20 2019 *_**

She's got me thinking about her legs in stockings again. I don't think I've worked so hard at a budget spreadsheet in ages, just to try and get the image of those stockings the first night out of my brain.

And there's a part of me that's showing the _most_ reaction. I feel like an underfucked oversexed teenager again. Stupid cock.

Now she's looking up things I have no idea how to handle. _Wartenberg wheels_. I think we're going to have to have a talk about the direction things are going.

Not that I'll give up the chance to try it with her.

I really shouldn't be updating this at work.  
  
**_Saturday May 18 2019 *_**

Anal beads are interesting. Don't think I'll be using them much, but it was good to try them.

But when she's coming, tied up over a chair and screaming into a gag …  
  
**_Wednesday May 15th 2019 *_**

If I hadn't seen how angry she was when she came back to her office, I'd suspect her of some sort of relationship with Enric. But she needed to be brought out of that bad mood, so I casually mentioned traffic lights – and especially red ones.

She is beautiful when she blushes with desire. And then I took her to lunch at the Italian place up the road, and plied her with wine, and asked her about her boyfriend. I was curious to see how much she'd let on.

The answer is _very little_. Excellently discreet, is my lovely Rey.

Then she asked me about mine, and wondered if it was actually a boyfriend instead that I was hiding from the group. I haven't kissed a man that way since Poe back in High School.

But she's wanted to kiss me since _November_! All the time I thought she wasn't interested, wouldn't want someone like me – and she was keen on me then. I could have … we could have been …

There is no point worrying about _what could have been_ now. What I have to do is work out how to get out of this as _Kylo_ so I can woo her as _Ben._

Because I love her so very much now. I didn't believe I could love someone as much as I love Rey. And part of that is wanting only the very best for her.

And I don't think the _very best_ is Kylo any more.  
  
**_Saturday May 11 2019 *_**

My sweet Rey, my sensible wild lover, wants to try anal beads. I have to admit that's something I've not used before. Some research is in order.

I'm hard just thinking about it.  
  
**_Friday May 10 2019 *_**

French champagne is the best way to celebrate a victory, and not by smashing a bottle or shaking it over everyone.

Rey let me hold her hand in the taxi home, and kiss her fingers before she got out.

I've got it bad.  
  
**_Thursday May 9 2019 *_**

If _Kylo the First Order Staff Member_ is no more, then my nights with Kira/Rey may end soon. I'm finding myself playing more and more sad music just thinking about it. Because even if things take off between Rey and myself, it won't be the same. I can't let her know about Kylo.

God I can choose the music to break your heart by.  
  
**_Wednesday May 8 2019 *_**

First results coming through. Wilhuff is performing like the champion he is.  
  
**_Saturday May 4 2019 *_**

In no particular order:

We got in.

The changeover worked.

We almost got caught, but I believe my quick thinking saved us.

And Rey's hard work and Poe's amazing skills.

Rose thinks I'm wonderful.

Poe thinks I'm wonderful.

Hux thinks I'm wonderful.

Finn thinks I'm wonderful.

Rey thinks I'm wonderful.

Paige is going to get her treatment, as will a _lot_ of other people.

Kylo's employment at First Order is over. I tried logging in through the VPN and the account was gone. Good thing they can't trace the access back.

Hoth Gelato is as delicious as it was when I first came to work in Chandrilla.

…

…

Kissing Rey is amazing.  
  
**_Friday May 3 2019 *_**

This may burn the Kylo identity at First Order so that I can no longer use him for information about the company. But it's a noble sacrifice. Like Wilhuff.

Wilhuff is a good name.  
  
**_Thursday May 2 2019 *_**

Her phone alert is _K_ in Morse Code. I should have realised. That is so sweet.  
  
**_Tuesday Apr 30 2019 *_**

She gives her machines names. Not just sensible SR-2A type names but _real_ ones. And she talks to them.

That has to be the most endearing side of her I've seen.

She called me _fucking confusing_. That’s accurate.

And I almost kissed her there. In the server room. Almost. I'd forgotten I'd deliberately set up a _Kylo_ email to arrive while I was in there.

Her phone gives a particular buzz when those emails come in. I could tell it was, because she was about to kiss me too. In a warm, isolated server room with a door that's easily locked and … her phone buzzed and she stopped.

Then she asked me if I was seeing anyone else, and I hesitated just a moment too long. I had no idea how to answer that. So had to pretend it was something casual that was on its last legs.

I'm seeing her tomorrow at Poe and Finn's. It'll be so hard not to kiss her then.  
  
**_Sunday Apr 28 2019 *_**

Rey asks the most delicious questions.  
  
**_Saturday Apr 27 2019 *_**

This is probably the most dangerous thing I've ever done, and I'm doing it for Rey. Because the look in her eyes while we were planning the break-in was just …

I'd die for that.

But I almost blew my cover. We were discussing how _First Order_ are delaying the approvals, and I used the example of "Officer K". _Kylo_ never had an active part in any of those, but it's the first name that came to mind. At least Hux didn't comment on it.  
  
**_Friday Apr 26 2019 *_**

That was possibly the most amazing night of my life.

And not just the sex.

Rey was uncertain, and I recognised it and helped her find where she needed to be.

I _can_ work things out if people are straightforward with me. "I don't know" works a lot better than covering something up, especially if I'm picking up some of what's wrong and correctly interpreting it, but the other person is denying it. Then I don't know what to do.

I really felt that I was connecting with her.

I think I'm falling in love with her.  
  
**_Thursday Apr 25 2019 *_**

Hux and Rose asked me over to their place, and we worked out the Critical Path for Paige's treatment approvals. There's something odd there. I found the code that held back the claims until the day they were due, but it's been changed. Now some of them are taking much longer. Although I can't work out why some aren't getting through at all. But we've got something to start with. That's the important part.  
  
**_Wednesday Apr 24 2019 *_**

Bother.

I think Rey was in the server room because she was avoiding _me_.  
  
**_Tuesday Apr 23 2019 *_**

I think Rey had better not speak with Chewie too much. They get on far too well. Artie likes her. And so does Dad. I think he knows – he persuaded her to sit and watch _that_ scene.

Then I almost kissed her. Until Finn stopped us. He's a nice guy, but right now I wish he was on the far side of the planet.

I didn't know what to do, and accidentally took her to the family photos. I hope she doesn't make the link between what Kylo told her about the _old family retainer_ and C3PO. Then I thought she was going to ask me about almost kissing her.

But she didn't.

So today I tracked her down to the server room. She thought I must be avoiding someone. But I wasn't. I just wanted to be with her. Talk with her.

And then I spoiled it all by telling her the silly story of Jaina the Surly. Rey was so grumpy. I think she's grumpy at me. And I don't know how to fix it. So Kylo told her how I learnt to be a Dom, and what Phasma taught me.

I need to regain her trust in the hotel room on Friday. I think she's still nervous about it. I would be.  
  
**_Sunday Apr 21 2019 *_**

I emailed her for an update and she's told me to stop apologising. I don't know if I can. We have the room booked for next Friday if she's up to it. I'd like to just hold her tight and keep her safe.  
  
**_Saturday Apr 20 2019 *_**

She didn't come to brunch. Poe told me she goes to yoga every second Friday night, and they'd used the oil there. Clever thing that she is – yoga. Perfect excuse. Except that there's not much meditation happens.  
  
**_Friday Apr 19 2019 *_**

Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Ryloth Scented Oils have Ryll spice in them, and I've given Rey an allergic reaction. She says she's going to be fine, but she's crashed out. And things started so well too. And I hurt her. Do I tell her?  
  
**_Monday Apr 15 2019 *_**

Not good not good not good. She's telling Kylo things she would never tell Ben. Shit.

I can't reveal who I am now.  
  
**_Thursday Apr 11 2019 *_**

Rey came in just as I – Kylo – was sending her an email, and she almost caught me. Gave me a lecture about not using the VPN. And I had to explain to her what a _porg_ was. I don't wear the helmet now – I trust her to be blindfolded – but if she saw it and then looked up _Galaxy Wars_ , I'd be caught.

I diffused her suspicion by delaying the email so it would come while I was with her and not using my phone or computer.

And then we shared a dessert. At one point she had a bit of chocolate on her lip, and I just wanted to lean over and kiss it off.

She doesn't seem to be as worried as she was before.

The hotel sent me a bill for $250 for repainting the pillar. Apparently my suspension cables and ties scuffed it. Worth every cent.  
  
**_Sunday Apr 7 2019 *_**

She's coming to the Garden Party. I can introduce her to Dad, to Chewie and to Artie. Perfect. Then I can talk to Chewie afterwards about things. But she's worried about something.  
  
**_Friday Apr 5 2019 *_**

Fucking her against the pillar was _wild_. But when she gave herself an orgasm to help get the plug out – I almost came again just watching her. She knew exactly what she needed to do, and that my hands were a hindrance. I like a woman who knows when to take control.

I held her for a minute afterwards. I don't care if it was the after effects, or what, but that was the happiest, the safest, the loveliest feeling I have had in a long time.

I want to keep holding her.  
  
**_Saturday Mar 30 2019 *_**

Rey is cute when she's drunk and emailing Kylo. And she's funny when she's hung over.

I showed her the photo of me and Chewie. They should meet.

I should talk to him. But how do I explain it? " _Uncle Chewie, I've met a wonderful woman and I want to be with her all the time and live with her and wake up with her and tie her down and gag her while I fuck her senseless. How do I do that?"_ Somehow I don't think that's how to approach the issue.

She wants to kiss Kylo. If I kissed her properly, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from telling her how much she means to me. And if I stayed as Kylo and kissed her, she'd know when she kissed Ben.

I want to kiss her.

But I won't.  
  
**_Tuesday Mar 26 2019 *_**

I gave her an out. Kylo reminded her that if she's in another relationship, she needs to finish with him.

She didn't want to stop.

So she doesn't think she's in a relationship with Ben. Me. Which is disappointing. But at what point do we call it a relationship? And now she wants to ask Kylo questions. Which makes me wonder – who does she want the relationship with? Kylo? Ben? But I can ask her questions as well.

Bazine was magnificent on Friday evening. I know how far a letter of commendation goes. She will get one from Mr Ren.  
  
**_Saturday Mar 23 2019 *_**

Poe's her Safety. That makes sense. I'm glad it's someone I trust.

And brunch was good. Hux is talking to me again. But Rose's sister – I had no idea she was so ill. I hate that helpless feeling. Rey's so good at organising help for the family.

And she shared her pancakes with me. Considering how seriously she takes her food, that must mean something.  
  
**_Friday Mar 22 2019 *_**

Bother you, John Wilmot Earl of Rochester. All your poetry is either deep metaphysical, or porn. And not even porn I can use. I should make a reading of _Signor Dildo_ for her. But then she'd guess who I am.  
  
**_Thursday Mar 21 2019 *_**

I don't feel up to the scene I had planned. I hope she likes poetry.  
  
**_Monday Mar 18 2019 *_**

Lunch again. Or rather, I ran into her at the café. She was reading the email from Kylo and blushed like crazy when I said hi, although she managed to keep a straight face. And then she asked me for my phone number, and secretly bought me some goodies from the café. That means she likes me, doesn't it?  
  
**_Thursday Mar 14 2019 *_**

I'm going to kill Krennic the next time I see him. Having the wakies at 3am sucks. At least I could make up a story about Kylo going to Tokyo. And it's time to give Rey/Kira an out, if she wants it. Review time is coming up. We had agreed to think over things at 2 months and decide if we wanted to continue.

I should end things. I know it's wrong. Either I tell her it's me or I just stop it all.

But I don't want to stop it.

And if I tell her it's me, she'll hate me.

At least she knows it's me who sent the tea.

If she wants to finish things with _Kylo_ , then so be it. But if she wants to keep going …

I hope she wants to keep going.  
  
**_Tuesday Mar 12 2019 *_**

Mom must love Rey. She let me use the Falcon to drive Rey home.

I gave her Krennic's cold. On Friday. I can't believe I didn't think to wash or sanitise or something before I touched her. Rey caught one of the contractors trying some funny business on our servers, then she went white.

That was strange. I've never seen someone go white like that before. But she held my hand. She let me help her to the car. She let me look after her. I felt like her guardian knight. I got to curl up behind her while she slept, and hold her, and feed her.

Then she asked about going up to the coast house and I had to make something up. But then I got to be firm and tell her not to go to work.

And kissed her forehead again.

I'm going to send her some of the hot cinnamon tea Phasma got me into. That's what you do for people when they're sick. You help look after them. That much I know.  
  
**_Monday Mar 11 2019 *_**

FUCK Krennic. Thoughtless SHIT!  
  
**_Saturday Mar 9 2019 *_**

Oh god but she's beautiful. When she wears my cuffs, when she lets me put a gag in her, when I go down on her, when she puts her mouth on my cock, when she tells me _green_ , when she comes with me deep in her cunt.

Would she still let me touch her if she knew it was Ben?  
  
**_Friday Mar 8 2019 *_**

The cuffs are at the hotel and will be placed in the room before Rey gets there.

Krennic from _Scarif Industries_ is sneezing and sniffling everywhere. Stupid idiot. If he doesn't give me a cold, it'll be a miracle.

I don't care if there's drinks afterwards. I'm leaving at 4pm and they can stuff it.  
  
**_Tuesday Feb 26 2019 *_**

Shit. I couldn't help looking at her after I sent her a _Kylo_ message. I hope she isn't suspicious. But it's so hard not to do. And then she told me – _Kira_ told _Kylo_ – that the support straps are to hide marks from the ribbon on Friday night. Of _course_ Rey would never tell me what really caused them. I am such an idiot. I get so caught up with things that I miss what's happening for the other person.

I'll ask Phasma for a place that makes good quality cuffs.  
  
**_Monday Feb 25 2019 *_**

Rey showed up with support straps around her wrists. She hurt them getting some stuff from under her bed, and at one point I had to pull her out from under a desk. I resisted the temptation to run my hands up her legs. But I did take her to lunch. Also explained about having to go to Naboo next week. But I have every intention of being back in time for our session.

She thinks Hux may have forgiven me. I still feel bad about not standing up for him though.

She held my hand at lunch.  
  
**_Saturday Feb 23 2019 *_**

Drinks was a bad idea. I had no clue that Rose from Accounts' boyfriend was Hux from _First Order_.

He hates me.

Rey tried to get me to come back, and she looked so forlorn that I kissed her forehead without thinking.

I was in a bad headspace when I got to the hotel, so I ran a bath for us. As I suspected, Rey wasn't in the right mood also, so the bath worked like a dream.

And she picked up on the signals fast enough.

I'm glad I had those hairpins in my bag. I've used them for sensitivity play and for nipple stimulation. I never thought I'd use them to actually hold up someone's hair! Clean ones only, of course.

She wanted to put her hands on my head. It would only take one touch on my huge ears for her to work out who I am. And I think, just for the next little while, I'll keep going. Because I can see her relaxing, and I'm giving her the pleasure she seeks.

I'm doing this for her.  
  
**_Thursday Feb 21 2019 *_**

Took Rey to lunch. I thought I'd be terrified. But she's lovely. I might have told her a bit too much about me. But she doesn't believe I can be sinister.

It's a good thing she didn't know what I was like when I was working for Snoke.  
  
**_Tuesday Feb 12 2019 *_**

Rey was distracted at work today.

I probably shouldn't have messaged her in the middle of Mom's meeting, but it was worth it to see her face when she got the email. I need to be more careful though. She might suspect me.

She mustn't know it was me.

But having seen her in the throes of passion, the flush of her body, heard her cries of pleasure … I'm not as terrified of her as I was. I know what joy I can bring her. That's a _good_ thing.

I went to her office to go over the specs for the new project. It was just to hear her voice. It's so lovely – she has a British accent and I'll never tire of hearing it. She asked me about last weekend, and I couldn't think. Then I remembered I was supposedly going to Mom's place. Covered things up well. And in a daring move, if I might say so myself, I asked her about hers.

That was foolish. There's no way she's going to tell the project manager all about her Friday night Pleasure Session.

But she did invite me to join her Friday Evening drinks group.

And it turns out she knows Poe. Maybe I will go. It would be good to catch up with my old friend.

But what to do about Rey?

I don't want it to stop.  
  
**_Saturday Feb 9 2019 *_**

Oh god.

I was on the mezzanine, watching.

I saw someone I thought I recognised walk up to Bazine at the front desk and get an envelope. Then move to the side and fiddle with an old phone.

I'd already sent the message. When her phone buzzed, and she answered, I knew it was her.

Rey.

Here.

Answering my advertisement.

I ran for the lift. I had to get there before she did. I had the reply already typed in, so sent it just as I got in the lift.

I could hear her trying to use the card. Then she came in, blindfolded.

I wasn't wrong. It was Rey. _Rey._ Rey that I've been infatuated with for the last three months, wearing a blindfold that was so, so familiar. Oh what would Grandma Padme have thought if she knew her scarf was being used by her grandson's lover.

Rey is so beautiful when she blushes.

And she was _perfect_. She followed my instructions, and I got to run my hands all over her. Clamp her nipples. Turn her on.

Send her wild.

Things I had _dreamed_ of doing with her.

No wonder I came when she did.

But this changes _everything_. It's not anonymous any more. It's …

I don't know what it is.  
  
**_Friday Feb 8 2019 *_**

First meeting tonight. I almost blew it. Monday is a holiday so everyone was leaving early. I had my suitcase with me. Rey decided to leave at the same time, and asked; I was so surprised by her question and I almost told her. I had to make up a story about going to my parents' place for the weekend.

She talked to me.

And I screwed up with a mumbled excuse.

I suck.

Ten minutes until Kira is due.  
  
**_Friday Jan 25 2019 *_**

Two advertisements that seem hopeful. One claims to have been a submissive for five years, and needs retraining. I'm worried though that she's after a more full-time situation than I'm ready to give.

The other is looking for an experienced dominant to be put through her paces. So far everything seems reasonable. I've emailed her with my own requirements. Strict anonymity, no other partners, health checks, all of that. We'll see if this works.

I like her pseudonym. _Kira._  
  
**_Tuesday Jan 15 2019 *_**

All I can think about is Rey. She wouldn't be interested in me. I think it's time I tried _BobaFetLife_ again. But this time I'll just read the advertisements, and choose to whom I reply.

At least then I'll be checking their list before I tell them what I want.  
  
**_Friday Jan 11 2019_**

My tomato plant has died. It was foolish of me to think I could keep something alive like that. It can join the others on the balcony.  
  
**_Friday Dec 21 2018 *_**

Rey opened her present at the party today, sitting at the back of the room where she was half-hidden. I watched her face as she pulled out Grandma's silk scarf and read the note. I lied about where I got it, but not about its value. I definitely didn't pay over $20 for it.

She tied it around her neck and looked beautiful in it.

That's enough for me for the moment.  
  
**_Monday Dec 3 2018 *_**

Mom does the _Secret Santa_ thing each year at work, and had me do the _random drawing_.

I made sure I got Rey.

I need to find something special to give her.  
  
**_Tuesday Nov 20 2018_**

Bought a tomato plant. If I keep it inside I can grow it all winter and get some fresh tomatoes in Spring. Should be easy.  
  
**_Monday Nov 12 2018 *_**

The new IT Hardware Manager started today.

She's amazing.

She's beautiful, and intelligent, and she knows her stuff. Finished Uni a year ago, did an internship setting up a school's networks, and now Mom's hired her to keep our machines in order.

And she's way out of my league. If I think about talking to her, I get tongue-tied. She asked me what I use in my hair, and I couldn't get the words out and ended up making some excuse then running back to my desk and I couldn't stop feeling my hair, wondering what I should have said.

I need to think of some things to say. Not as un-spontaneous as Mr Collins from Pride and Prejudice though. I'm sure _he's_ on the spectrum too.  
  
**_Monday Oct 22 2018 *_**

This could have been so much worse. The job is challenging, but it's not going to kill me. Mom makes sure no-one works so hard that it makes them sick. I'm an idiot. I should have come and worked for her years ago.

I just won't tell her.  
  
**_Monday Oct 15 2018 *_**

First day as Project Manager at _Coruscant Industries_. Don't fuck this up, Ben.  
  
**_Wednesday Sept 26 2018 *_**

Left _First Order_ today. I realised that what Snoke is putting me through is something I don't have to put up with. He was never going to officially promote me and give me the pay, never going to let me work on projects or interesting things. And most of all, he's doing something wrong. I can tell. I might be lousy at working out if someone is telling the truth or not, but I can tell if they're hiding something. He's acting like Dad did just before one of his old smuggling runs. The furtive looks. Hiding something in his desk.

I've set up some monitoring systems to try and work out what's happening. It might take me a while to find the pattern, but that's what I'm _brilliant_ at. Pattern recognition. It doesn't matter how deep Snoke has hidden it – I'll find it.

But speaking of patterns, I suddenly understood the parallels between Snoke and Wickham.

Wickham lied about what Darcy was like, and spread falsehoods from one end of the town to the other while he ran up huge bills, seduced serving girls and incurred gambling debts. Elizabeth Bennet only discerned the truth when she saw how well Darcy was liked by people in Derbyshire.

Snoke told me that my parents don't care for me, don't want me, and find me an embarrassment. That they think only of themselves, and would rather I never came back.

And it's true they've done some thoughtless things over the years, like not asking me to Grandma Padme's birthday party, or not remembering I'd arranged to borrow the Falcon. But then so have I. I have to be honest. Sometimes I've let the way I think be an excuse for bad behaviour, like flipping the Monopoly board. That was an over-reaction. I was angry, yes, but it would have been better if I'd just got up and left.

I got a box yesterday. It was from Mom and Dad. Inside was Grandma Padme's black silk scarf, the massive square she used to wear. It's antique – I think she got it from _her_ mother. I remember rubbing it when I was a kid, wondering how a natural fabric could be so soft and smooth and lovely. Whereas so many fabrics set my teeth on edge, this made _sense_.

Mom knew. She sent me the scarf because she knew I thought it was something special.

They do love me. Snoke has been lying all this time.

And I'll never let him _Wickham_ me again.

Tonight I'll ring Mom and ask if I can come over.  
  
**_Sunday Sept 23 2018 *_**

I had to break things with Tallie. She wants to be humiliated. I get it every day from Snoke. I know the words, the phrases, the things to say to make you feel small and useless and terrible.

And I can't do it.

I've let her know, and she's cool with that. She's going to try someone else on the site.

I think I'll give it a break for a while. Advertising brings all the weird replies. And people who don't read the instructions. If I say I'm looking for a woman for anonymous private sessions on a monthly basis to give them extreme pleasure, why would I be interested in a man wanting to dominate me in public? It's like when they apply for jobs. I bet they complain when they don't get the positions.  
  
**_Tuesday Sept 18 2018 *_**

Work is a mess. Hux finally snapped and walked out, and his team followed him. Snoke wanted me to run the _dismissed following proof of illegal activities_ procedure on their final pays, but I made sure Hux and his team got the _executive privilege_ package instead, with all salary owed and the performance dividends they were owed but that Snoke wouldn't pay out if you put him on the rack and made him promise on his mother's grave.

He probably put his mother in her grave in the first place.  
  
**_Saturday Aug 18 2018 *_**

Things with Tallie worked well. She's very willing, very pliable, very obedient. Almost _too_ obedient. But I'm sure it's just the two of us working things out. She wants weekly meetings, but work is busy and I can't always get away.  
  
**_Friday Aug 17 2018 *_**

Meeting up with Tallie for the first time tonight. I've left the burner sim at the front desk with her door card. She works in a legal business, and wants to feel out of control in a safe environment. Before she comes up, I'll watch from the mezzanine balcony just to make sure. I wouldn't put it past Arihnda to pretend to be someone else, not that "Arihnda" is her real name. I'm fairly sure I heard her boyfriend call her "Amanda".  
  
**_Saturday Apr 21 2018 *_**

Read in the _Chandrilla Courier_ that Uncle Luke left the old house to Mom. It makes sense. She's made more use of it over the last ten years than he ever did.

I hadn't realised he'd died. Part of me feels sorry for Mom, and part is glad. We didn't think the same, and he never understood me and thought that _Applied Behavioral Analysis_ would cure me. But despite the slaps, the shouting, the punishments, I still think the same. All I've learned is to hide it better.

I'm still me.  
  
**_Monday Apr 16 2018 *_**

Snoke is becoming more and more unreasonable. He's pushing the teams to meet their deadlines but reducing the staff – if two people leave, he only hires one to replace them. Says that with docking people for unsatisfactory performance he's encouraging them to improve. He won't listen when I explain that there's no incentive for improvement, and indeed there's punishment for those who clear up old cases and solve difficult problems. Hux has managed to keep his team going, but things are going to collapse if they keep on this way. He's working from seven in the morning to late at night.  
  
**_Thursday Feb 15 2018 *_**

Arihnda keeps trying to call me using the burner sim I gave her. I think she was looking for someone to get her out of her situation, but I don't feel comfortable helping with something like that. I've given her the contact details of a couple of places that help women in abusive relationships, but that's all I can offer. She kept ringing, and I had to get a new number. I hope she's ok. I feel guilty for not doing more, but if I got involved, I can't see a way out. It's a shame. She seemed lovely.  
  
**_Tuesday Feb 13 2018 *_**

Something's pissed Phasma off. She's leaving. She won't tell me why, but I worked out it was about the routers and how the claims are handled. I know whatever it is, it's something Snoke wants, and it's not good. Probably dodgy as all get-out, borderline or actually illegal. And good for First Order and good for Imperial Insurance as well. Would it be wrong of me to buy shares in First Order and Imperial Insurance now?

Does it count as insider trading if you're buying the shares because they're doing something illegal?

Probably.

Yeah. It would be a bad idea. Even if it was helping redress the balance of what the company is skimming off the clients.  
  
**_Saturday Jan 27 2018 *_**

Despite assuring me she was single, Arihnda has a boyfriend. A very jealous boyfriend. He was banging on the hotel room five minutes after she came in, just as I was leading her to the bed. I took her instead to the bathroom, put her clothes in with her, then arranged for security to lead the man away so that she could make her escape.

Arihnda swears she had broken off with him before our assignation, but I really cannot risk that sort of danger. I shall have to be doubly careful. And that _is_ the second time that's happened to me.

Why do they lie?  
  
**_Friday Jan 26 2018 *_**

Meeting a sub tonight. Her name is Arihnda and she's new to the scene. She has a good idea of what she wants though, and we discussed how to start things. Having them blindfolded when they come in makes them a lot less nervous, especially if I stay quiet and they're not sure if they're alone in the room.

She's eager and friendly. She's happy for me to give her pleasure under my terms. I hope this works.  
  
**_Monday Jan 22 2018 *_**

Phasma's organised for _Kylo Ren_ to have top level access to keep an eye on things. We snuck it through with the latest lot of recruits and promotions, and she got Snoke to sign off on it in the stack of forms for everyone else. The keycard should be through in a couple of days too. I have the access I need anyway, so this is sort of an emergency backup. Sort of.  
  
**_Sunday July 9 2017 *_**

We had three sessions, then Kyrell was pushing for much more physical force than I was willing to give. After Uncle Luke's _Academy of the Mind_ , I really don't feel comfortable with spankings or whippings or things like that. I told her it wasn't going to work, that what I really wanted was to give her pleasure, and she wasn't happy, but she accepted my decision. That felt … odd. As if what I said mattered.  
  
**_Wednesday June 14 2017 *_**

Snoke has some ideas to help increase that profit margin, but he won't talk about them with me. He's going straight to Phasma.  
  
**_Sunday May 28 2017 *_**

Met with a possible sub. She calls herself Kyrell, she's a bit older than me, and made sure we'd discussed all the important parts beforehand – anonymity, limits, safewords. She let me know in plenty of time that she's a trans woman, and I told her I hadn't been with anyone like that before, but was willing to try. First session went well. She wants me to be a bit rougher with her than I was. I'll see how that goes next time. We're meeting monthly. I've given her a burner phone sim to keep in touch with me, and the alternative number for my phone.

She offered to go halves on the hotel room but I'm happier paying for it. It makes me feel more in control. She also really liked the voice modulator. Said she'd never thought of that, and as she's a switch, she might use it herself. It feels good communicating on a straightforward level. I knew it was possible.

I have a small suitcase for the meetings. Condoms, lube, ribbon, dental dams, any particular toys for the session, a couple of small towels and plastic bags to put things in – and of course my voice modulator. I made a new one so that I don't have to wear the mask to use it, although I always have the mask on for the first session. Doing that with Riley saved me a lot of trouble.  
  
**_Monday May 1 2018 *_**

Finally, I'm in charge of a couple of teams. Snoke gave me two teams of claim-chasers to keep in line. Hux seems pretty good with his lot, although Ushos is weak, letting his team slip behind in the weekly stats. I'll have to keep a close eye on them. Snoke says I have to prove myself with them though, before he'll make the position permanent and pay me the higher salary. He says that it won't take long though.  
  
**_Tuesday Apr 4 2017 *_**

That was … not what I was expecting.

Riley answered my advertisement. It was going to be anonymous sex – she wanted sex with her clothes on, just raising her skirt, and I was to fuck her against the wall. We met at a cheap hotel. I got there first, and was wearing my _Galaxy Wars_ helm to disguise my voice, and my cape. Cheesy, I know. I gave Riley strict instructions to be blindfolded when she came in.

But she came in without a blindfold and her phone was up and recording things!

I told her to leave.

She did, scared. I must have sounded very angry.

I booked and paid for the hotel with the persona Phasma helped me get together. _Kylo Ren_ gets a small payment from the company from time to time – no more than he deserves considering the work he puts in there – and I used that and an old fake license from my father's stash that I was able to change. So there was no way the woman or the hotel staff know who I am.

Of course that's cost me the hotel room charge, but I sort of expected that. I've also had a few responses from people I'm fairly sure are scammers – their replies are remarkably similar, and now they're asking me to pay for lessons on how to be a _dominate_.

At least the English classes at school are coming in handy.  
  
**_Friday Mar 17 2017 *_**

Phasma suggested I advertise on _Bobafetlife_ – she thinks it's fairly reliable. That, and she has quietly told me that she runs a VPN on the side and that it's a good idea to use one to anonymise any emails, and to use a fake name and email address. She's right. I remember problems years ago when Uncle Lando was Mayor, and he'd been seeing Jamilla. She threatened to tell the press unless he gave her brother a big contract. He ended up coming clean, but we think that's why he didn't get elected mayor again. So I'll use Phasma's VPN, and possibly some other things to make sure I'm not recognised. I'm not worried about me, but someone could try and use me to get through to Mom and Dad.  
  
**_Saturday Aug 13 2016 *_**

95% overall, lowest mark 90%. That'll do.

I need to be more aware of what's going on with my sub, and check in with them, even if they're not giving a safe word. I know myself that it's easy to go into the zone and not be reacting.

Tartha suggests no kissing either. Or at least not when it's just a Master and Servant thing. She says it's too personal, too intimate, and leads to one or the other getting attached. If it's just a sexual arrangement, that can get awkward. She's been right about most everything else, so I'll trust her.  
  
**_Sunday Aug 7 2016 *_**

Tartha never leaves me unsatisfied if I do all the right things, even though she never has actual intercourse with me. The session with the feather was _amazing_. I've kept detailed notes.

Most of all, she uses straightforward communication that can't be misinterpreted. She says it's because of her computing background, and it's refreshing not to have to second-guess everything.

This is part of why BDSM makes so much sense to me. There are rules, and if you don't follow them, that's not fair to the other person. There's constant checking and communication, and there has to be honesty. If it's not working for you, you must let your partner know. None of this _I shouldn't have to tell you_ and _why couldn't you understand?_

I hate it when people assume you should know what they mean when they don't say it.

Next week Tartha is going to see how much I learnt. Lexi has offered to let me be her dominant for one night so long as Tartha supervises and I myself do not have any sexual connection with either of them. I get marked on various aspects, and I have to score more than 80% in each area to pass.  
  
**_Monday June 18 2016 *_**

Grandma Padme left me some money in her will. I don't need to keep working if I don't want to, but I do. I'd go nuts.

Besides, Snoke is going to give me a promotion if I keep finding new and better ways to save money for the company. I discovered last week that one of the companies we took over has a full set of excellent routers that would work well setting up the new claim delivery network. They're old, but in good condition. A whole new server rack is about $100,000.  
  
**_Saturday Apr 23 2016 *_**

Used the safeword for real tonight. Tartha tied me up and was running a sash over me, when I got a leg cramp. She says that any good Dom considers the cost of the ropes as lost anyway. She can still use some of the longer pieces, but the rest is gone. I offered to take her rope shopping so she can show me what to look out for. So I suppose she's going to show me the ropes in a third way.

That pun was worse than any my father used to say.  
  
**_Sunday Feb 14 2016 *_**

That was intense.

Tartha suggested I process what I'm learning with a journal, so it makes sense to do it here.

The control is _incredible_. The _freedom_ of being told exactly what to do and being rewarded for doing it! I had to follow her orders and tie _myself_ up and she didn't touch me _once_. I had no idea how incredibly erotic that could be. I had to say what I was going through and how I was feeling.

One thing it has helped with is getting me to understand my own relationship to pain. I always wondered what was happening when things were supposed to hurt. It looks like I have some sort of pain filter – I _know_ something is hurting for a while before the actual pain breaks through – and when it does, it's often overwhelming. So when I say something's hurting, I'm not reacting very much because my _mind_ is saying _there's pain_ but not _that hurts_ – until it's too much and suddenly it's agony.

Tartha insisted that I use the safeword at some stage through the first session. I called it out when I'd been kneeling for about ten minutes. My knees were aching but not that bad. When she responded immediately, it felt _liberating_. And I knew I was safe. Which sounds silly, but it isn't.  
  
**_Friday Feb 12 2016 *_**

First session with Tartha tomorrow. I'm to learn submission before I learn dominance. I'm not sure about this, but she has emphasised that I can always use a safeword. And this is a professional relationship.

It can't be harder than learning to drive, surely.  
  
**_Thursday Jan 28 2016 *_**

I found the _Hive of Scum and Villainy_ through the _Tie Fighters_ chat group. And then I ran into Gwen Phasma and her girlfriend there. Quite the shock. She recognised me despite the mask I was wearing – I suppose she's right that I'm fairly distinctive, but then so's she. Her girlfriend Lexi is nice – works in a Government office during the day. Had to put everything on her Security Forms so that they couldn't be blackmailed about it. I suppose that makes sense. But it must be odd to detail all your relationships when you've got two girlfriends, one of whom used to be a boyfriend. Phasma says the people checking the forms probably have a bingo card and she hopes Lexi's form got someone a winning combination.

Phasma also explained that if I run into her at the club, she's _Tartha_. And that while the government might be relaxed about Lexi's relationships, Snoke would undoubtedly use it against Phasma somehow. I can't believe that Snoke would do that, but Phasma gets me. She's straightforward, doesn't use subtleties, checks back that I've got what she's saying … I trust her a great deal.

And I can ask her about what's involved in being a Dom. I've always been curious. Not as a full time thing. There's so much bad information on the internet anyway.  
  
**_Saturday May 9 2015 *_**

I asked Dad a week in advance if I could borrow the Falcon to drive to Korr's place. She wanted to see me again. I think she just wanted the sex, but I wanted … anything. The loneliness is getting so hard. He said _yes_. So I took the keys from the board on Saturday night and went out.

Got to Korr's and her boyfriend was there. She swore she hadn't called me, said she was done with me and why wouldn't I leave her alone? But she _had_ called. Her boyfriend was angling for a fight, so I left. I've learned not to stay and argue. They never believe you anyway. Then I skidded on the way back, scraping the front fender.

When I got home, Mom and Dad were yelling at me and wouldn't listen when I told them I'd arranged with Dad to borrow the car a week before. I think Dad must have just forgotten, and maybe I should have reminded him before I took it, but I thought it was all set.

So I yelled at him. And at Mom. And threw the keys at them.

I caught the train to Chandrilla that night, emailed Snoke from the hotel, and started at First Order today.

He wants me working with Gwen Phasma on the systems, making sure we're _maximising income_ and _applying the Friedman doctrine_ for the benefits of the stockholders, because we should _use the company's resources and engage in activities designed to increase its profits so long as the company stays within the rules of the game_. I understand that.

Our first job is to change the way payments are made so that they don't get released until the day that they're due. It makes sense. If the daily payout amount is one million dollars, and half of that is being paid out two days before it's due, and it happens every day, then that's ten thousand dollars the company has lost that year. It doesn't sound like that much, but there's much bigger sums involved. And it's within our rights.

Snoke says things in ways that make sense. I'm going to enjoy working here.  
  
**_Saturday Feb 7 2015 *_**

Grandma Padme died today. She's been in a nursing home miles away for years – the last time I saw her was just before Christmas, and Mom and Dad said there was no point going any more. She didn't recognise any of us.

But I think I would have liked to see her one more time to say goodbye.

I asked Dad why she didn't have a party to celebrate her ninetieth birthday last year, and he gave me a funny look and told me that she did – didn't I remember the family booked the small gathering room and there was cake and candles?

I was house-sitting at a friend's place for a month that's only an hour away. They didn't call me, didn't let me know. I obviously don't matter to them.  
  
**_Tuesday Jan 20 2015 *_**

Snoke says he's got a job for me at _First Order_ as soon as I come over. He seems to understand me. He knows the troubles I have talking with my parents, and that I just don't seem to fit in here. And they won't let the past go. If I stay out, I'm in trouble for not letting them know, but if I tell Mom, she doesn't _want_ to know. I'm lazy if I don't join them for breakfast, but all the work I do at night is important, to me anyway. I'll try one more time.  
  
**_Friday Aug 22 2014 *_**

The internet means it's easy for me to work out things I like. I met enough people through college and university that I know I'm not the only one that's into BDSM or 1980s Australian New Wave Prog Rock or obscure Classical poetry. And it's easy for me to find work on computers. But I wish I was still in touch with Poe. The only email address I have for him is his _Dameronedifyoudo_ one and that's been bouncing for years. I could search his name, but I've been told that's weird. But then people tell me that they wish I'd looked anyway. I do what one person tells me and I get in trouble, so I do what the other person wants, and the first one is angry. I really don't understand.

People are confusing. I'm glad we got Artie. Even if he tricks me into feeding him too much.  
  
**_Tuesday June 17 2014 *_**

I've made the dog entry open in case Mom and Dad know about this journal. Mom wants to know _everything_. It makes things so difficult.  
  
**_Monday June 16 2014_**

I bought a puppy to keep me company at home. Mom isn't impressed, but Dad thinks he'll do. We're calling him Artie after a dog Dad had as a kid that he called Artoo. Somehow dogs are less complicated than humans. Sometimes I don't think I really understand humans. Not most of them. Politics is a strange language, and as for women … I think I'll stick to dogs.  
  
**_Friday Mar 21 2014 *_**

I think I know what's happening, why some of my teachers and some of the people I thought were my friends turned on me.

They can't cope with a person who thinks differently. Whether it makes me scary, or a threat, or just too much work to be with, whatever it is, it's just easier for them to turn away. Except when they can't, because they're my teacher or my boss.

And I have no idea how to change that. Except to pretend to fit in. As much as I can, anyway.  
  
**_Thursday Mar 13 2014 *_**

Mom wants me to come and work with her at Coruscant, but that means leaving Naboo. I've got the D&D group and the walking club … I mean, they're not huge, but I've not had a lot of groups I get involved with. No girlfriend. Not seriously, anyway. Jessika and I weren't really together like that – she had other partners and didn't want to be exclusive. And Korr never told me she had a serious boyfriend until she suddenly broke things off. Although she may have been lying. I asked her if she was all right with things, and she said _yes_ , but sometimes, I've found out, people lie about stuff like that. I don't understand why.

So maybe it would be worthwhile moving. I don't know.

I've only had short-term contract jobs here, and they're a pain. Jacob Snoke was at the _Starkiller_ office, and said I might do better at _First Order_. They're a processing company in Chandrilla.

I can see the irony in that.  
  
**_Monday May 20 2013 *_**

It's weird. People want clear and unambiguous communication, but they call me _rude_ and _brusque_ and _arrogant_ if I try to talk clearly with them. And then they don't understand when I don't get all the subtleties they're trying to say.

If I ask them to talk straight to me, they say I'm asking them to treat me like a child. I read [this](https://reynardo.livejournal.com/547731.html), and it looks like I'm not the only one. 

So frustrating.  
  
**_Saturday May 11 2013 *_**

Another long break. When things are going well, I don't need to write everything down. And when things are going badly, I really don't want to. It's painful, having to relive the things you stuffed up.

Living back at home now for a bit. It's strange without C3PO around. I came back because the startup I worked for closed down. Now I have to find another job that'll let me pay back Mom and Dad for the money they lent me while I was waiting to get paid. Never going to do that again. Week after week of _pay's coming_ and _we're about to land that big contract_. I owe my parents just over eight thousand dollars.  
  
**_Wednesday Apr 26 2011 *_**

Not playing Galaxy Wars any more. Fucking guild dramas. _Tell me if something changes_ Cara said. Nothing had changed, and she _still_ blew me off for not contacting her. Screw that.  
  
**_Monday Apr 18 2011 *_**

Helped Mom with her fundraiser for Aunt Amilyn's Foundation up at Grandma Padme's house. Grandma just sat on the balcony and watched all the people in their fashionable clothes. Uncle Chewie's girlfriend does make amazing food though.

It was a cool day, and Grandma wore her favourite black silk scarf. She told me how her mother gave it to her.

Again.

She's told me that story every year. I don't think she realises she's repeating herself.

I don't think she's very well.  
  
**_Monday Mar 21 2011_**

That's the third time someone has asked me if I'd taught English or was a writer. C3PO's expressions and vocabulary are quite useful.  
  
**_Friday Mar 11 2011 *_**

I kissed Ahsoka at the New Year's party. She liked it – held me tight. We went out three times – once to the movies, twice to dinner.

Then she started being mean. Teasing me and not in a nice way. Criticising my clothing. Turning up so late to a date that we missed the play I'd bought tickets for. I didn't like to mention it. I didn't want her angry with me, but she kept being annoyed by little things.

Finally I told her I'd had enough, and didn't want to see her any more. Then she went around telling everyone that I broke up with her.

I realised that she had been acting that way to make me do the breaking up. Fine. If I have to be the bad guy, I'll do it.

Why couldn't she just say so, though?  
  
**_Monday Nov 15 2010 *_**

I need to stop playing _Galaxy Wars_. My Uni marks are suffering, but I've got a level 65 tank and two pieces of orange gear, so that's something.  
  
**_Sunday Nov 7 2010 *_**

Toby and Val had a Hallowe'en party and forgot to invite me.

Unless they didn't want to anyway.

I've put the costume away.  
  
**_Tuesday Oct 5 2010 *_**

Some newb called me a _porg_ today. Until I whopped them at PvP. I named my character after _Kylo Ren_ from a book I read as a kid. I've ordered a voice changing helmet and cape just like the ones he used to wear, and that's my Hallowe'en costume organised.  
  
**_Monday May 3 2010 *_**

Went to a party at Toby and Val's place. I suggested board games, but all they had was Monopoly. We'd been playing for an hour and I was doing terribly until I realised they were all cheating.

Then I got really angry. Turns out no-one else plays normally. The game is so terrible that they play to cheat, and thought I was cheating too.

I wasn't. I was coming second and playing _properly_.

I shouldn't have flipped the board.  
  
**_Saturday Mar 6 2010 *_**

Toby and Val are playing _Galaxy Wars_ , and they think I should join in. They're in a guild and play most Saturday nights.  
  
**_Monday Feb 15 2010 *_**

Time to resurrect this thing. It's been a few years. Mr Antilles told me I might have _Asperger's Syndrome,_ but not severely. I've looked it up – it sort of makes sense. Things like getting thrown so easily when something disrupts a timetable, or getting stuck on a plan and not easily able to move out of it. And especially not being able to read people. That's the worst. I just tell people I don't do "subtle", and they seem to get it. Looks like they expect that from guys anyway.

But it's easier to hide stuff if you make up a persona. I've gone for the formal look – ironed shirts and ties and polished shoes. Started it at school, much to the frustration of my mother who ended up teaching me how to iron so the poor housekeeper didn't have to do it all. But when you look like that, people expect you to be standoffish and cold. And they're not surprised when you talk formally too. It's easier than trying to make friends. Or at least people know what to expect.

I didn't make a friend until I met Poe at school. I admired his style – he wore a _Modal Nodes_ long-sleeved shirt and he knew all about computers. I longed to be his friend. Although surely no-one that cool would want to know me.

Computers made sense to me. They do what you tell them to do, and they're logical and sensible and don't expect you to understand things they won't tell you. I was left alone in Vice Principal Olié's office one day when he had to break up a fight in the corridor, and he'd been in the middle of setting up new staff member profiles, so I made one for myself at the same time. Chose a simple name that wouldn't get any attention – Tyrell Ratts – and put myself on all the staff mailing lists. I was also getting the Senior Staff's emails just like their Admin Assistants were. So long as I didn't reply to any of them, I was safe.

I had fun just keeping an eye on what was flying around the staff groups. The hardest part was not letting anything slip. Turns out it's incredibly difficult keeping a straight face during Health Class when Mrs Mandrell tells you to keep away from drugs because drugs are bad, if you know she was getting off her face with the rest of the Sports department on Friday afternoon after the Carnival.

Then I found out through Mr Antilles email that Poe was in a lot of trouble for getting into the school system. I _knew_ someone else was – all the records of detention, suspension and expulsion got wiped. The staff were freaking, and someone was starting to go through the records to find who it was. So it was easy enough to set up a simple rogue . _exe_ to go off while Poe was in the meeting. I'm sure it was quite the education for the admin staff – most of them could barely manage to open their email and play Hearts.

I let Poe know it was me. And why.

Being close friends with Poe left me open to all sorts of accusations by the other students. But any time someone called us _faggots_ , an email went to Mr Antilles suggesting they would be a good candidate for Principal Valorum's special training sessions. Poe kissed me once – I asked him to because I wanted to see if I was interested in guys that way. It was nicer than I thought it would be. My first real kiss. But it did nothing _that way_ for me. Good to know, I suppose.

I don't know what the school told Mom and Dad though. I don't know if they thought being friends with Poe was too dangerous, or if they thought we were more than friends. For a year we were close, but next September I was sent away to Uncle Luke's Academy of the Mind. Less said about that, the better.  
  
**_Wednesday Apr 2 2003 *_**

If they want me to be different, then I will be. Just not the way they think.  
  
**_Sunday Mar 30 2003 *_**

Chewie's going to be ok. I can't explain how that makes me feel. But it's good.  
  
**_Tuesday Nov 18 2002 *_**

This is supposed to be a private journal, so I've changed the password so that Mr Antilles can't read it. It makes me really uncomfortable to have him commenting on stuff about me, and I don't want him to tell my parents. He would, of course. While I'm still under age. I'm still only fifteen. It's his job.

So better if he doesn't. Because then I don't have to explain to Mom and Dad. They really don't understand. I tell them I'm not like the other kids, and I want to fix it, and they just tell me I'm special.

The word the kids at school use is _different_. That's the worst thing they can call me. Because _different_ means _not like them_ , and nothing makes kids exclude someone faster than calling them _different_.

I wish I wasn't different.  
  
**_Monday Apr 28 2002 *_**

They announced in assembly that I'd been awarded a special prize in the Art competition. The competition was two weeks ago. Everyone else got in the school newspaper. I didn't.

It doesn't matter.  
  
**_Thursday Apr 11 2002 *_**

Uncle Chewie has cancer. His hair is falling out from the treatment. He's in so much pain, and Mom and Dad won't tell me the truth. They say it's nothing big, but they're treating me like a child.

Fuck cancer.

Fuck my parents.

I don't want Chewie to die.  
  
**_Tuesday Apr 9 2002 *_**

I hate this place.

I wrote out one of Rochester's love poems for the Art competition, using my calligraphy, and illuminated it, and even added gold leaf. Mr Ozzel didn't believe I did it myself. He said I must have had someone do it for me. I offered to show him but he took the poem and ripped it up in front of the class. I would have cried, except that I know what would have happened if I had.

I told Mr Antilles and he didn't believe I'd done it by myself either.

Mom found out, and talked to Principal Valorum. I didn't know that she'd scanned my work. She printed it out and took it to the Principal, and told him what happened. I don't care any more. The original is gone. I spent two weeks on that, and Mr Ozzel destroyed it.

I don't think Mr Ozzel likes me for some reason.  
  
**_Wednesday Jan 2 2002 *_**

I'm writing this because Uncle Chewie says it's better if I work out why things went so wrong.

I didn't mean anyone to get hurt.

I wanted to make some fireworks for the New Years Party. I've never been invited to one before. Not one for people my age. Usually it's my parents and a bunch of their friends and I'm not allowed any alcohol and we sit around and I'm bored and then it's midnight and we watch the fireworks on the TV then go to bed.

This year one of the parents decided to hold a party at their farm just out of Naboo, and they invited every kid in the class.

It's the only way I ever get invited.

So I thought I'd get some fireworks that Dad had left over from the Remembrance Day celebrations in July, and make some new, bigger fireworks.

_Much_ bigger.

I had them stashed in the old shed down the back of the property, the one that's right next to Uncle Lando's place. I'd put the powder from three or four of the small fireworks in long, fat cardboard rolls, and I ordered some fuses to put in them. There were five of the big ones and they were going to be amazing.

Then when I went to check on them, they were gone.

I didn't dare tell anyone. I was going to get into so much trouble.

I'd mentioned the fireworks to one – _one –_ kid at school because he kept bugging me and saying I couldn't do anything. Enfys just got me so mad.

He must have told Cornelius and his group.

Apparently they worked out where I hid the fireworks, broke into the shed and stole them.

Then lit a bonfire and threw the fireworks on, because they thought anything I did wouldn't be any good.

Cornelius has a bad burn on one arm, and lost half his hair. It could have been so much worse. But now they're saying I _gave_ them the fireworks. Mom won't talk to me, Dad gave me a whaling, and I'm grounded. No party, not even with the olds. No going out at all for a month.

Uncle Chewie says if I'd at least told someone when the fireworks went missing, I wouldn't have been in so much trouble, and then even if Cornelius had still burned the fireworks, I wouldn't be the one blamed for that. But how was I to know that's what would happen?  
  
**_Thursday Dec 27 2001 *_**

I am in so much trouble.  
  
**_Friday Oct 26 2001 *_**

I made Mom a special Mother's Day gift when I was eight. It was a poem I wrote for her, because she likes poetry so much, and I drew flowers and hearts around it. She told me she loved it, but she didn't keep it – I found it crumpled at the back of her nightstand a few months later. I suppose it wasn't special enough.  
  
**_Thursday June 14 2001 *_**

Uncle Chewie said I should consider that calligraphy is a skill that takes a very long time to learn, and that I shouldn't be discouraged when I'm not perfect the first time. He told me that he loves braiding his hair, but it took him years to be able to do the hair at the back, because you can't see it properly. But he kept practising. Then he asked me to try braiding his hair for him.

It's hard enough to do when I _can_ see it.

Then he asked me what it was he was trying to show me. I finally got it. It takes a lot of practise to get better at something, and I won't be perfect to start with. It might take me months or years. But I will get better.

So I'll practise the calligraphy.  
  
**_Tuesday June 12 2001 *_**

This is too hard. I'll never be neat.  
  
**_Monday June 11 2001 *_**

My handwriting sucks. I'm trying to make it neater, but it's just getting worse.  
  
**_Wednesday May 2 2001 *_**

I was laughed at a lot when I was young because I didn't always get when people were teasing me, or when the other kids were setting me up. I speak funny because when I was little, C3PO looked after me and I started to talk like him. Other kids don't like it when you tell them it's _fewer_ , not _less_. Or when you correct their spelling and they're older than you. So you're not supposed to help them, but helping people is what makes friends? I really don't understand what to do.

When I was 7, I skipped trick-or-treat and sat out in the forest clearing on Hallowe'en for eight hours in the dark and cold until Dad found me, because the kids from school told me that you got extra candy from the Hallowe'en Pumpkin if you did that. The next day, they asked me if I'd done it, and I didn't answer them, so they poked me all day until I lashed out at them. I gave Vicrul a black eye. That was detention for a week. Mom said I shouldn't listen to them when they're tricking me like that, but I want to have friends, and aren't you supposed to trust friends? And how do you tell if they're tricking you?

The next year, I told Mom I didn't like Hallowe'en any more and didn't want to go out trick-or-treating. I think she believed me. We stayed in and watched scary movies instead. It was better than nothing.  
  
**_Tuesday Apr 24 2001 *_**

There's nothing wrong with liking Britney Spears.  
  
**_Sunday Mar 25 2001 *_**

Why do the adults want you to say you're sorry when you don't _feel_ sorry? It doesn't make sense.  
  
**_Wednesday Mar 14 2001 *_**

We had swimming lessons at school, and the indoor pool stank of chlorine. When we got back to class, Mr Ozzel my teacher said anyone whose eyes were hurting should go to the nurse's office to get our eyes rinsed. I went to go with the others, and he told me mine weren't so bad.

By the time I got home, they were stinging like crazy. Mom rang the school, and Mr Ozzel told her I was making a huge fuss over nothing, so she sent me to have a shower and go to bed. It was really hard to go to sleep.

The next morning I couldn't open them properly because of the pus and swelling, and Uncle Chewie took me to hospital and rang the school. Mr Ozzel said he hadn't believed me because I wasn't complaining like the other kids. So I didn't complain enough then I complained too much? What am I supposed to do?  
  
**_Tuesday Feb 6 2001 *_**

Mr Antilles the Guidance Counsellor thinks it'd be a good idea if I write a journal, because things don't make a lot of sense, but writing them down sometimes helps. He said that some people don't always process things the same way as everyone else. I asked why it was that "Some People" were the exception, and what if it was that "Some People" are the normal, and everyone else was the aberration, but he didn't answer that.

But part of that makes sense. I don't understand why people don't think the way I do. Like it was such a surprise to find out not everyone knows the last Russian Tsar had four daughters, or that some kid made a breeder reactor in his back shed (wish I'd thought of it) or even that only one of the five species of Monotremes are venomous. I always thought everyone knew that. But then there are other things that I always thought were typical, and it turns out they're not. Like not being able to handle some fabrics next to my skin. Or when I was a little kid, Mom says I needed to hold something in each hand and if they didn't balance, I wouldn't cope. I'm thirteen now. But it still feels better to have things balanced.

I'm supposed to journal the things that happen, and then go back and read this later to see if I can work out why. I don't know if it'll help, but Mr Antilles seems as if he knows what he's doing. And for some reason, I am more comfortable following instructions.

Sometimes.


End file.
